


Beneath the Tip of the Iceberg

by TentativeWanderer



Series: Out for Blood: A YOI Vampire AU [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Doctor Katsuki Yuuri, Insecure Katsuki Yuuri, Introspection, M/M, Mutual Improvement, Vampire Victor Nikiforov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 10:47:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15661674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TentativeWanderer/pseuds/TentativeWanderer
Summary: He’s gotten a lot better at reigning in the darkest parts of himself in recent years, but they’re still lurking beneath the surface. Habits die hard. One day, Viktor will inevitably stumble upon them and everything will blow up like a land mine and Yuuri will have no one but himself to blame.





	Beneath the Tip of the Iceberg

**Author's Note:**

> For better context, it's best to read My Inamorato Defenestrated Us Both (the first fic in this series) before reading this one. But this fic can stand alone - just know that Viktor is a vampire who's currently a permanent resident of Dr Katsuki's bedroom (it's less scandalous than it sounds). Yuuri is engaged to Yuuko but they’re both happily carrying on affairs. Yuuko has Yuuri’s full approval, and the only reason why Yuuri doesn’t have hers is because Viktor is a vampire in hiding, so he can’t tell her.
> 
> Set about a year after Viktor meets Yuuri for the second time.
> 
> Let's go!

Yuuri is not a good person.  
  
Objectively, he knows that there are people who are much worse. But Yuuri’s true colours are still bad enough that he worries that one day, Viktor will come too close and be cut by the invisible glass shards brashly wielded by Yuuri’s own hand in a moment of weakness.  
  
Perversely, Viktor’s voice echoes in his head: _you are self-aware!_ The context was totally different when Viktor said it at the Giacometti ball, but Yuuri thinks: Viktor didn’t know how true it is.  
  
He knows he has some redeeming qualities, but he’s hyperaware of his faults. They scream out silently at him every day when he struggles with nerves in the bathroom, when he talks to no one else besides Phichit at the hospital (mandatory work-related words exchanged in the course of executing his duty don’t count), when he lets a patient down, when he stands awkwardly as a wallflower at social functions, when he lashes out at his family.  
  
Yuuri supposes that many view him in a favourable light due to his job as a physician. He’s a good doctor—skilled, never takes his patients’ complaints lightly, provides low-cost or free treatment to those whose pockets aren’t deep enough. Most people only know him as mild-mannered Dr Katsuki, the image that Yuuri presents to the world. They don’t see the treacherous, hidden parts of him—that dubious honour is reserved for the few who catch him with his guard down, mask off, pleasant facade stripped away in times of stress or panic. It is also specially reserved for the handful of people who care deeply for him.  
  
At the Nishigoris’, Yuuri has to pretend to be exemplary, a gentleman, a soft-spoken, respectful future son-in-law. At home, he can just be Yuuri, with his whole gamut of flaws. Yuuri knows his family won’t dump him even when he’s bad: when he frowns and snaps at them, when he fights with Mari over stupid things, when reluctance, impatience or annoyance flows from his actions in palpable waves. When this happens, both kaa-san and tou-san will drop their easygoing demeanour and scold him or lecture him (his age doesn’t matter in this respect), whereas Mari might fire a snarky shot right back at him or project an aura of aloof disregard, but none of them will ever give up on him. The meanest part of Yuuri takes advantage of that.  
  
Visits back home often start out swimmingly in joyful reunion. The pleasant mood normally lasts at least a day, but sooner or later, Yuuri will ruin it with an impatient retort or a sulk (he’s a child at heart).  
  
The problem is that Yuuri has a glass heart. When his family’s questions about his health and well-being end, and they start asking about his friends, whether he goes out to explore the city, what new people he’s met, Yuuri’s insecurity rears its ugly head and makes him defensive.  
  
For most of his years, his strong introversion ensured that he literally had no friends besides Yuuko and by extension, Takeshi. Moreover, he is too terrified of screwing up in his lessons, and subsequently his work, to devote time to much else. Yuuri loves medicine, likes being a doctor, but at times it feels like he’s running on fear as much as passion. Conclusion: he might as well have “I am a shut-in with hardly any life beyond my immediate responsibilities” tattooed on his forehead.  
  
Yuuri still isn’t brave enough to get that tattoo, so he opts for the supremely cowardly option of letting his frustration and disappointment at himself out at his family in the form of avoidance and curt replies. This makes them worried, which leads to more probing, which leads to more irritated responses and ultimately culminates in raised voices. Not shouting, but still.

Yuuri’s worst fault is selfishness.  
  
Only selfishness would allow him to treat people who love him worse than he treats others. Yuuri is too self-absorbed to look past his anxiety and remember that his family members intend to help instead of criticise. Too selfish to maintain the filter between his mouth and brain in arguments, and too selfish to let Mari have the last sweet when they were younger (yes, his conscience remembers).  
  
He’s gotten a lot better at reigning in the darkest parts of himself in recent years, but they’re still lurking beneath the surface. Habits die hard. One day, Viktor will inevitably stumble upon them and everything will blow up like a land mine and Yuuri will have no one but himself to blame.  
  
If Viktor really knew who Yuuri was, how Yuuri takes people he loves for granted, Viktor wouldn’t have told him to just “be himself”.  
  
But recently, Yuuri thinks that maybe being himself is something that’s actually achievable without causing major damage. He realises this after one strained night, in which he and Viktor dance a tense waltz around the edges of a heated argument which ends up fizzling out due to Yuuri’s exhaustion after a long day.  
  
As Yuuri settles down in bed, he automatically reaches for Viktor and pulls him close like he would a bolster. Viktor doesn’t need to sleep at night, but he likes to cuddle Yuuri until Yuuri drifts into slumber. Blearily, Yuuri remembers that they were arguing-but-not-really a short while ago, and it had miraculously not devolved into a full-blown fight. Only then does he realise that yes, he had successfully held himself back in speech and in body language despite being tired and annoyed, and so had Viktor.  
  
How? Yuuri’s control over his temper has indeed improved over the years, but he had been very upset just now. It is a little surreal to realise that he hadn’t even snapped at Viktor.  
  
Viktor gently strokes a thumb across his cheek, and Yuuri thinks, _oh_.  
  
He feels his heart overflow with affection, and knows the reason for his restraint earlier was as simple as loving Viktor too much to hurt him even in a small way.

Suddenly, Viktor asks: “Are you unhappy?” His body tenses, like he wants to wrap his arms tighter around Yuuri but is apprehensive of rejection. Clearly, he remembers how Yuuri jerked away the first time he saw Yuuri cry. Yuuri wants to go back in time and wring his own neck for making Viktor figuratively tiptoe around him. “Is it because of me?” There is a note of uncertainty in Viktor’s voice.  
  
Yuuri is thrown off by Viktor’s insecurity, then realises that he – Yuuri – had been frowning a little. Viktor must have interpreted it as displeasure when Yuuri had merely been caught up in thought. Yuuri wants to say no, no, it’s not you, it’s me, but when he opens his mouth, his throat tightens up and he is besieged by the sudden urge to cry.  
  
Viktor sounds a little alarmed at what he sees on Yuuri’s face. “I tried very hard not to be harsh, but if I slipped up…please don’t take it to heart.”  
  
“You didn’t slip up,” Yuuri manages to say. “But I almost did, but I didn’t, and I’m happy and scared and this is embarrassing.”  
  
Viktor gives a hum. “It’s not embarrassing, but it’s confusing. You’ll have to be clearer than that, Yuuri.”  
  
“Love you,” Yuuri blurts, because it is the clearest thing his tired brain can come up with.  
  
Viktor gives a surprised chuckle, pulling Yuuri closer. “I love you too,” he whispers, and Yuuri must be addled because somehow a simple phrase feels like benediction, a quiet promise of eternal devotion regardless of whether the paths of their lives will continue to intertwine or diverge one day.  
  
The next evening, Yuuri confesses that he’s afraid that Viktor might one day wear the same expression his parents used to when Yuuri said something callous: a betrayed stare, silently rebuking, before the verbal reproaching starts.  
  
“They’re not condemning me, but my brain twists it into that. It’s silly,” Yuuri mumbles into Viktor’s chest. “It’s my fault anyway, but it still hurts.” He buries his face deeper. “I’ve stopped being too mean, but I still worry that you’ll look at me like that one day and realise that I’m really not the person you thought I was.”  
  
He forces himself to look up at Viktor. “But more than that! More than me not wanting that to happen because I’ll be sad...I don’t want that to happen because it would mean that _you’re_  sad.”  
  
“I don’t want you to be unhappy. That’s the most important thing. So I’ll keep trying to be good, Viktor. And...thank you for being here...and motivating me to be a better person.”  
  
Yuuri thinks it may sound mawkish in Viktor’s ears, but it is the most honest expression he can give. He needn’t have felt nervous; Viktor presses his lips softly to the corner of Yuuri’s, light as a butterfly’s touch, and pulls him into a hug.

Over his shoulder, Viktor says: “I’m not that different.”  
  
“When I’m angry, I tend to get very cold. I don’t say much, but when I do, it’s piercing. Very mocking and haughty. I made Yakov so angry.” Viktor doesn’t talk much about his life before vampirism, but by now Yuuri knows that Yakov is something like Viktor’s unofficial adopted father. Yuuri can imagine Yakov pulling his hair out at Viktor’s attitude; he’s seen Viktor make terribly blunt remarks, eyes crinkled in a smile, so it’s not hard to extrapolate from that and imagine Viktor deliver cutting sentences with an icy glint in his eyes and a condescending tilt to his lips.  
  
“I’m also flighty and forgetful. I broke many promises, especially to Yura.” Yura is Yuri Plisetsky, Viktor’s younger cousin. Viktor rests his chin on Yuuri’s shoulder. “He had to chase me from one country to another to make me keep my word because I didn’t care enough about him to remember the things I said I’d do.”  
  
“When I tutored Yuri, or when I discussed ideas with other people, I expected them to understand even when I said something vague and disconnected. I didn’t bother guiding them through my thought process if they didn’t get it, because I didn’t care. I did things my way even if it inconvenienced others.” Again, Yuuri can imagine that. It is hard to tell that Viktor is a genius when he gushes about dogs or a mysterious-looking castle on a hill (“Do you think that will suit my vampiric aesthetic, Yuuri? Gothic styles are more Georgi’s thing, but I think I also have a right to them now.”), but beneath the happy-go-lucky exterior, his mind whirrs at a million miles per hour, skipping around the globe and soaring off to the moon, leaving a trail of confused people in its wake.  
  
Viktor gives a dry chuckle. It sounds empty. “You say you’re selfish, but I’m not much better, am I? I made the people closest to me mad at me half the time. Now they’re not here anymore, and I can’t tell them that I’ve been trying to not be an ass, and I can’t ask them to give me another chance.” Yuuri feels Viktor swallow, and he instinctively rubs soothing circles on Viktor’s back.  
  
“So this time, I want to do it right. I don’t want you to be unhappy either, Yuuri.”

Yuuri gives Viktor a squeeze. “Okay. We’ll do our best, but I’ll forgive you if you mess up sometimes.”  
  
Viktor pulls back and rests his forehead against Yuuri’s. “It’s a deal.”

 

* * *

“You make me better. Stronger, braver, tryin' to live up to the man I want you to see.” — Fallen Leaves, Chapter: Resting Easy.

**Author's Note:**

> Fallen Leaves is a collaborative Naruto fic. I only read parts of it, but I appreciated the plots, quality of writing and emotional depth.
> 
> I think it's possible to interpret Yuuri's anxiety as being intertwined with selfishness. He's too absorbed in his problems, worries too much about his own performance to the point of neglecting people around him. In the press conference in canon, in which Yuuri talks about love, Takeshi and Yuuko notes that they and Yuuri's family were "abstract" in Yuuri's eyes, and Minako complains that he was like that even "after all this time they supported him". Another case in point: Minami and Yuuri’s initial attitude towards him.
> 
> Yuuri discovers a deeper meaning in love and his relationships only when Victor shows up in his life. Yay for mutual support and learning!
> 
> But if Yuuri is interpreted as having full-blown anxiety disorder, this interpretation may not hold true. It would be unfair to automatically deem those with a medical disorder selfish when keeping certain emotions under control is much harder for them than for us.
> 
> I feel like the style and tone of this piece are different from the first fic. Yay or nay? Also, I'm not used to present tense. Let me know if you spot grammar mistakes!
> 
> I'm tired, so maybe I'll edit out any problems later...
> 
> Constructive criticism is welcome! Seriously, when I say criticism, I mean criticism. You can comment what you liked and even what you didn’t like about the fic. Or just ramble at me if you want.
> 
> I'm on tumblr!: [tentative-wanderer](https://tentative-wanderer.tumblr.com/)


End file.
